Hardball

I hate pitching. My accuracy is consistently inconsistent.

And Sam, you hurt me bad.

Changes

Everything's changing in my spiritual walk with God. Since the start of May, the month I turned 19, I decided to make changes to the way I lived. I was somewhat successful. I was able to quit bad habits that prevented me from connecting with God, and I was happy. I was spiritually on fire.

Things were going pretty smoothly, and I wondered why my spiritual life seemed so easy all of a suddenly. From my experiences, I knew Satan attacked when I'm strong in my walk, but now that I felt so close to God, it was smooth sailing. Then it dawned on me that I was doing nothing to further God's kingdom. I either chilled with friends or bummed around at home doing nothing. I did my devos inconsistently, thinking that the passion I felt for Christ could carry me through anyway. So even though I felt connected, I was actually distant from Him. I'm not a person to call up friends spontaneously to hang out, so my relationships with non-Christians have suffered, even if only by minute degrees. I did little to keep in touch with the few people I met at York this year now that the semester was over. I wasn't even trying to reach out to the non-believers at all, and I hated myself for it.

I realized that I was indeed drifting farther and farther away from the Lord, and I wasn't sure what to do. I had a few ideas actually, but I never got around to implementing them because I was a lazy procrastinator. The feeling of isolation from God grew gradually, and I became sadder by the day. I knew I needed help, so I confided in my dear friend one night about my problem. She advised me to just keep praying and to do my devos on a daily basis. But it's hard to pray from the heart when the heart's not into it.

Later that night before I went to bed, however, I decided to just pray and not worry about how I felt. I kneeled down and cried out to God all my fears, concerns, regrets, and requests. I needed to change. I yearned to be broken, to be humble, and to be a loyal and effective servant of God. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and give my all for the Lord. I needed to readjust my priorities in life, to focus on Him. It was an amazing time of prayer for me. I was connected with my Maker, and I felt His presence right then.

The month of May was eventful for me at church. I was the usher for ESC Sunday services for the first time in my life, and the second last week of the month I was privileged to be a part of the new test choir, the debut of the vocal group. I was excited to work for God, to help out at the church where I have learned so much from, and for the people who have changed my life these past few years.

Nearing the end of the school year, or at least according to high school students, a new SALTS committee was to be elected for the following year from September 2005 to August 2006. I was nominated as a cell group assistant leader, and I felt that I have matured in many areas of my life, especially spiritually, that I could take on this role. It wouldn't be all me after all, I would just be the assistant. For each position of the committee were 2-3 nominees to choose from, except for the cell group leader and assistant leader categories. The nominees I voted for in every category save for the cell leader and assistant were elected as the new leaders. If only my picks were just as accurate when it came to the March Madness tournament picks, heh heh. It was not announced who the cell group assistant leaders would be, but I was elected as a cell group leader. It came as a surprise when I was named, since I felt there were more qualified candidates for the role on the list. But the biggest surprise was the fact that I was elected cell group leader, not assistant leader. I asked the current chairperson why it was so, and it turned out there were not enough people elected for the posititon, and I was promoted immediately. They figured since the assistant was responsible for stepping up when the leader was unavailable anyway, the two positions were virtually the same to them.

I wondered for a long time why I was elected over other candidates. Compared to the other members of SALT, I still perceived myself as a new member and a fairly new Christian. I learned who Christ truly is just over a year ago, and the other candidates knew Him practically their entire lives. I don't recall contributing to the fellowship significantly over the year, and I never really displayed any leadership. My whole life I was a role player, and never one to take charge and lead. Why was I voted to be a cell group leader? Because of my attendance on Friday nights? I was greatly puzzled, and I was afraid to talk about it to anyone.

I did reflect on the new changes in my life throughout the night, and I began to see and understand a bit of what God is doing. With the ushering and singing, taking part in church activities, they were preparing me for the tougher tasks that required discipline, time, and faith. I'll have more responsibilities, and I won't be able to succeed without asserting myself and taking that step out of my comfort zone. God has called me to be a leader at SALT, and I must take this job seriously and approach it carefully. I feel like Matthias, chosen by God through the people to lead and glorify Him. I know I can't do this alone. I still don't feel I'm currently qualified to be a cell group leader. But just as Moses doubted his ability to lead, I know that God will be with me the entire way to guide me in the right direction and to teach me all I need to know to further His kingdom. I do have fears, and I am a little nervous about this, but I will rise up to the challenge and complete the tasks God has given me. I will not fail Him, or any of you who have voted for me to lead you. This is a promise I will keep no matter what. I do request that you will have patience, and that you will teach me and correct me if I make mistakes, and please pray for me. I would also like to thank all of my friends and family for mentoring me, for believing in me, for trusting and loving me, and for your boundless support. You're all blessings to me. Thank you all for being there.